Step 1: Write the book! Many people will tell you different strategies and processes to the actual writing of a book, but my firm belief is that the best writing comes in times when we are quiet, in my case alone, and connected to our own bodies and minds. In my experience, the words don’t come from me as much as they come through me. The words for Always Enough came to me one night in the shower. I practically jumped out so I could write them down before forgetting them and was crying the whole time I wrote. I, in my then 34-year-old body, needed these words as much as any child. They are a love letter in the form of a poem from parent to child, reminding them that no matter what each day brings, they are loved and they are enough.

Then you can edit, find trusted people to read your first drafts, get some feedback, and go from there. You can find editors on the site I will mention below as well (Reedsy.com).

Step 2: Find an illustrator (and graphic designer if needed, some illustrators can also do the graphic design stuff) on Reedsy.com. This is an online marketplace for illustrators, graphic designers, editors, book coaches, and more. It was free at the time to send requests to a limited number of illustrators (not sure if this has changed). I sent the illustrator ideas for each page of the book. Throughout the process, she sent me sketches and asked my opinions before adding color and doing her final draft. My illustrator did the illustrations on the size paper I wanted her to, but the graphic designer played around with fonts, font colors, word placement on each page, the front and back covers, etc. and then turned those into the up-loadable files for both Amazon and Ingram Spark (publishers).

In my case, my illustrator sent the graphic designer her files when she was finished with the illustrations. Some illustrators do both and some don’t, so if you’re finding an illustrator on Reedsy or elsewhere I would just ask them up front if they also do the graphic design elements of the process.

Step 3: Buy ISBNs on Bowker.com. You can buy one ISBN or buy in bulk for cheaper. Here’s a link! Self Publishers. Amazon KDP and IngramSpark give your book a barcode so you don’t need to buy a barcode.

Step 4: Create a website for selling books. Here’s mine! This is optional but I like having a website and use it for other things too. I use a basic Wix plan and watched youtube videos to learn how to do it. It’s pretty user friendly!

Step 5: Create an Amazon author account and an account on IngramSpark. IngramSpark is the publisher that bookstores (and Amazon) pull my hardcovers from. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Thriftbooks (among others) have my hardcover for sale and when someone buys a copy, they buy it at a discount from IngramSpark and I get a royalty.

Step 6: Size of book and Uploading - I had to decide what size books I wanted, what kind of paper, etc. and just read some random blogs and chose. I told my illustrator and graphic designer so that their files were the right size.

Step 7: Apply for a Library of Congress Control # from this website. It was pretty simple and free. This is placed on the inside cover and just allows your books to be available in libraries should they choose to About the PCN Program | Preassigned Control Number | Programs | Library of Congress

Step 8: Upload and publish! When all the files were ready, I uploaded them to Amazon and IngramSpark and oila! Everything was ready to go. I did Ebook format and paperback on Amazon and then Hardcovers through IngramSpark.

Step 9: Selling: I’ve been buying copies of my book at a discounted (author) price and reselling them to friends/family/at events, so you can make a little bit of money that way too if you want. I also know someone who created her website in a way where she ships books straight from her house when someone buys one.

Step 10: Marketing: I still have a lot to learn in terms of marketing my book but I just starting small and doing a little bit at a time. There are a couple podcasts a friend told me about - I preferred to find blogs to read when I had questions about something, but the podcasts are called “Self-Publishing School” and “Go Publish Yourself”

Why I chose to self-publish vs. find a publisher:

I chose to self-publish this one because I wanted the final say and full control of the outcome. The title, the illustrator I chose, the font, colors, wording, publishing date, etc. I know someone who went through a publisher and they changed some things that she wasn’t super happy about, BUT, a definite plus of going through a publisher would be less work and money up front (I wrote and edited my book in about two weeks but this whole process took about a year because I was just learning as I went along and only had small pockets of time to work on it), and potentially more marketing built-in (although this would be something to ask about).

I hope this helps any budding authors out there get your books out into the world! Let me know if you have any questions and I’d love to hear your book ideas!

Sending love,

Maria

Or maybe you simply had the subconscious belief that when we “grow up” everything will be all figured out.

I’m 36 and sometimes I have the urge to throw my hands up, look around and be like, “Uhhhmm where are the grown-ups that can fix this?!”

It wasn’t until after I went through several big life transitions in the last decade or so - marriage, divorce, career change, marriage, pregnancy, new parenthood, new job/ career (whew!) that I learned about the stages of a transition, from the William Bridges Associates Model.

Like any model, I don’t think it’s a perfect match to everyone’s experience of change, but for me, just learning about it gave me a feeling of relief.

A little reassurance that by listening to and following what felt right for me, I wasn’t actually “lost” or “doing it wrong” or “messing up my life.”

Here’s a brief overview, along with some tips to support yourself through each phase:

Three Stages of Transition

The William Bridges Associates Model

Stage 1: Ending, Losing, Letting Go - A change is happening, leaving behind the familiar and comfortable. This can be both a chosen and unchosen change. Even if we choose the change that is happening, this stage can bring up feelings of fear, grief, loss, etc. while simultaneously feeling hopeful, excited, ready. Surrounding ourselves with support during this time can be crucial. This can be a coach, a therapist, friends, family - people who won’t project their fear onto you or try to tell you what to do, reminders of why you’re making the change, and grounding practices to turn to when it feels scary.

Stage 2: The Neutral Zone - The “messy middle” or the bridge. Where the old way is gone, but the new way is not yet completely clear or functioning fully. This can feel like a void, loss of old identities, not knowing which direction to turn, trying out new things. It can feel chaotic, exciting, terrifying,

During this phase, we can give ourselves:

• lots of grace

• permission to try out new ways of being (even if they don’t ultimately become our “path” or our “thing”)

• permission to make mistakes, course correct, and change our mind

• time and support to reconnect with our intuition, our inner guidance

Stage 3: The New Beginning - This is where we embrace the new, often have lots of energy for the new situations or ways of life, and a positive “I’ve got this” attitude emerges.

Let me know if this resonated with you. And if you would like further support during a transition in your life, you can schedule a free life coaching discovery call today.

Sending love,

-Maria

I stopped on a lively morning radio show, where the hosts were cracking each other up, telling a story about a woman who called in a few days before. In their telling, she was all out of sorts, describing a deer crossing sign in the middle of the highway.

“Why would you put a deer crossing sign in the middle of the highway?!”

“Why not put it at a crosswalk so it’s safer for everyone?!”

They described, after some initial confusion, trying to explain to her that the signs were actually a warning for drivers because you cannot, in fact, tell deer where to cross the road.

But the more they tried to explain this to her, the more dysregulated she became. She felt that her idea to move the deer crossing signs to a crosswalk was the best thing to do in the situation and the radio hosts were the right people to spread her message.

This clearly is not logical thinking, so what was going on there?

My guess? Maybe earlier that day she was in a tense situation with a partner or family member or coworker, unable to speak her truth or her mind. Maybe she was feeling unheard, lost, or like she didn’t have the ability to make decisions in her own life.

Maybe she had not been given the tools to recognize the signs of dysregulation in her body, and the radio hosts got the projection of her feelings.

Maybe her system had been highjacked by her fight response and the left side of her brain took over, pulling her into an anxiety spiral that led to the decision to call a radio station to demand change. Her system was telling her,

This is a terrible idea!

This will cause car accidents!

Deer will be injured!

People will die!

Why didn’t anyone else think of this!?

I must demand change!

That morning on the way to work, the retelling of this story made me laugh out loud and I definitely judged this stranger for her actions.

But if we’re really honest, how many of us have been that woman? Bear with me while I explain…

For us, maybe it’s not demanding deer crossing safety on the highway.

But maybe it’s our partner getting home late from work…

Or it’s our boss telling us they need to speak with us…

Or a weird comment on our social media post…

Or a relative saying they won’t make it home for Christmas dinner…

And our system tells us,

They’ve been in an accident! They joined the circus!

I’m going to get fired! She hates my project idea!

They think I’m a terrible person! They hate me!

They’ve joined a satanic cult and we’ll never see them again!

All jokes aside, this is often how miscommunication and misunderstandings begin. Someone makes a choice, someone else sees or hears that choice and doesn’t understand it and then proceeds to project their own view and feelings onto it that then adds meaning to that choice that was not there in the first place.

On a certain level, this makes sense. We’re wired to see change or something different or unexpected as scary or a threat.

So, in those moments, what can we do instead?

Instead, we can:

1. Name what we’re feeling —> the emotion, where we feel it in our body, what sensations do we feel

2. Give ourselves understanding, compassion, love - I see you, I hear you, it’s going to be okay

3. Take some deep breaths, hum or sing, move our body (shaking, walking, dancing, yoga, etc.)

4. Get curious about what’s coming up. Ask curious questions about the situation

5. Take care of ourselves in whatever way we need

6. Move on

And if (when) we realize later that we inadvertently got caught up in a deer crosswalk campaign moment, we can send ourselves some compassion, give ourselves a pat on the back for noticing, maybe even laugh a little, and try again next time. Perfection is never the goal here.

If you’d like more support in emotion regulation, you can check out my meditations on Insight Timer or YouTube.

Thanks for being here.

Take Good Care,

-Maria

As someone who was known for sacrifice, taking one for the team, taking care of everyone around me with little regard for myself, this letting go has been both a grieving process and an empowering journey that I’m sure will continue for many years to come. I believe our society is slowly but surely changing. No longer do people go to school for one job or career and stay in that same career doing the same thing until retirement. Sure, some people do, but even with those long-term careers, there will be ebbs and flows. How do we begin letting go of our ego driven identities, to live more freely and openly, to not get so caught up in how we are perceived by those around us? How do we break out of the box that we put ourselves in or that we have been put in by others?

For me, the first step was to slow down. To simplify. To slow my pace of life enough to be able to listen to my inner voice. To learn to meditate. To spend time alone in silence. To notice my thoughts, my auto-pilot behaviors. To realize what was working and what no longer served me. If you would have asked me at that time about my intuition, my inner voice, I would have looked at you like you had two heads. My life looked great from the outside, but internally, I was struggling. Riddled with anxiety. Struggling with various addictive behaviors. Disconnected with myself and what I wanted out of life. When we are disconnected from our inner voice, our highest self, we are suffering. We are reacting or responding to the needs and requests of those around us, with no sense of autonomy over our own lives.

Next, was to start noticing where I felt energized. What was I drawn toward? What excited me? What could I learn about or think about without getting sick of it? This doesn’t just apply to the type of job or career we want to have, this applies to our hobbies, passions, creative projects, where and how we want to live, who we want to live with and spend time around. How much alone time do we need to feel replenished? Do we have old limiting beliefs or unhealthy behaviors holding us back? Do we allow ourselves to dream about the future? Do we regularly reconnect with our bodies in the present moment? Are we stuck in the past?

I can hear the old conditioning even now saying, “but isn’t it selfish to focus so much on yourself?” When we are true to ourselves, we show up authentically with others. We do work from a place of groundedness and self-worth. We give others permission to do the same. As author Louise Hay said, “It’s not selfish to love ourselves. It clears us so that we can love ourselves enough to love other people” and famously, “When we heal ourselves, we heal the world.”

If you’d like more support in slowing down in your everyday life, check out my meditations on Insight Timer.

And if you’d like one-on-one life coaching support as you let go of an old identity, slow down, or navigate a transition, book a free discovery call today.

Thanks for being here. Take such good Care.

-Maria

In my time of trying on different jobs, different identities, figuring out who I want to be when I grow up, I worked at a local bakery and restaurant, doing everything from taking customer orders at the counter, to running food, to working the drive-thru-window. During my training at the drive thru (if I didn’t tip at the drive thru before, I always will now), I heard the familiar beep on my headphones, telling me someone was waiting to order. I took their order and directed them to pull ahead to the window to pay and receive their food and drink. As they pulled up, I stopped short, noticing their car was a beautiful shade of iridescent green. In an attempt to connect and to, you know, nail the whole customer service thing, I said, “Wow, the color of your car is so beautiful and unique, I’ve never seen a car that color before!” The woman did a double take, gave me a brief funny look, before politely responding, “Oh…uh…thank you!”

I continued with the grueling work of taking orders, making drinks, taking payments, and delivering food and drinks for about ten more minutes when I saw another car of the exact same color pulling forward! Wow, I thought. This is weird. As the car pulled closer, I leaned out the window far enough to realize what was going on and began cracking up - completely losing focus on all the orders I was juggling.

What I realized was that the restaurant building was a dark forest green color and that morning, the sun was shining directly on it, causing a reflection of the iridescent green on every white car that pulled through the drive thru. So…I complimented a woman driving a plain old white suburban. Cool, cool, cool.

Apart from being hilarious, and a big ‘ol swing and a miss in the customer service department (the result of this story being that a woman in a white suburban now thinks there’s a woman on psychedelic drugs working at her local bakery), it made me think, how can we look at life situations or just ordinary moments in our day through that beautiful iridescent green lens? I got so much momentary satisfaction from thinking this car was a beautiful green when it was just plain old white.

This is not about “turning our frown upside down",” denying reality, or putting on rose colored glasses, but about seeing the beauty of trying on a different perspective and seeing what happens. A gentle reframe. Children often do this so well and so naturally. for example, the other morning I was driving my daughter to preschool and there was an unusual amount of traffic. I felt a small irritation, ready to just be there, when my daughter piped up from the backseat, “Mom look! We’re in a car parade!” The pure joy that came through in her little voice brought tears to my eyes, and I took a breath, reassured myself we had plenty of time to get there - and then for the rest of the drive we pretended to be in a car parade, singing and dancing to Moana (the Alessia Cara version of How Far I’ll Go is my jam).

An ordinary situation with a small perspective change becomes fun, beautiful, joyful, memorable. A sick kid at home becomes quality time cuddling on the couch. A typical night at home doing the dishes becomes a dance party in the kitchen. A boring commute becomes a car parade or a catch-up phone date with a friend. How can we put that iridescent green lens on an ordinary moment in our day?

Sending love. Take such good care.

-Maria

The email was a request for a teacher to volunteer to provide after school tutoring for 4th grade students who were below the 4th grade reading level. It went on to describe how we legally had to offer these students free tutoring, due to our status as a lower performing school. My brain immediately went to my coworkers. Those who had young children at home, who were taking care of elderly parents, who were dealing with various stressful situations outside of work. I fired back, “I can do it!” And then felt my chest immediately tighten. I was doing it again.

I thought about everyone else but forgot to think of myself. I forgot to check in with my very new at the time value of work life balance, not taking on more than two outside activities, and taking care of myself so I could show up at my best every day. Ten minutes later, after calming my inner people-pleaser, I wrote an email back to my principal explaining that I was trying, very messily to have more work-life balance so I could show up as my best for my students every day and thank you in advance for understanding. Luckily, I had a wonderful principal who completely supported this (and unfortunately not all boundaries are met with this luxury).

I was still very early in my journey of letting go of people-pleasing, high functioning codependency, and running on external validation, but this act of saying no gave me such a boost of self-trust that I still remember the feeling in my body today. That win of just noticing the tightness, getting curious about it, and following through with what it was telling me was a huge step. I placed this self-boundary of no more than two after school activities and held to it. Even when those parts of me showed up that wanted to be needed, wanted to be useful, didn’t want anyone else to feel stress or uncomfortable, wanted to be what everyone else needed me to be.

So how do we put this in place?

We can get clear on our values in all areas of our lives.

Then, before we say yes to anything, we can practice pausing. Taking a breath.

We can practice saying, “Let me get back to you” or “Let me check my schedule” or “I’m not sure right now, can I call you back?”

Then, we can practice checking in with ourselves and asking questions such as:

1. Do I have the time for this?

2. Do I have the capacity for this?

3. Would saying yes be in alignment with my values in this area?

4. Do I even want to do this?!

5. What positive ripple effect might saying no have on other people or parts of my life?

Saying no to this request allowed me more time to do things that replenished me such as visiting my favorite nature trails after work and moving my body to release any stress accumulated during the day.

I’d love to hear from you in the comment section below. Any thoughts, questions, fears, or stories are welcome.

And if you’d like more support in reassuring that part of you who may be scared to say no or disappoint others, check out my meditations on Insight Timer.

Thanks for being here :)

Sending love. Take such good care,

-Maria

I have the quote above framed in my home and had it hanging on a bulletin board in my classroom for ten years when I was an elementary teacher. It’s a quote I’ve loved ever since I first read it. But it has only recently dawned on me that I’ve been wrongly interpreting it for all these years. Because if it is read a certain way, it can imply that we are in charge of or responsible for other people’s feelings.

Many of us run on a subconscious belief that it is never okay to make anyone feel bad or uncomfortable. If something we wanted to do was going to make someone else uncomfortable or upset, we simply could not and would not do it. The belief that if someone was going through a hard time or dealing with a tough situation, we would take on their hard feelings for them, so they didn’t have to suffer. This can slowly and completely deplete us. Our spirit. Our joy. Our creativity. Our capacity for love and true connection. So much of our culture, religious teachings, and systems in place in society encourage this type of martyr-like behavior. Praise it even.

What I’ve learned, though, is that we must do what feels right for us in life even if it makes others uncomfortable. Or angry. Or sad. We can care about people. We can show support for people. We can be with people in their most grueling moments in life. We can connect with people who have had similar experiences to us. We can talk to a friend or work with a healing professional when we’re in struggle. But taking care of other people’s feelings for them or expecting them to do the same for us is not love or caring. It’s disempowering. It’s codependency. It breeds resentment and burnout. Every human has the need and right to feel a full range of emotions.

When we act in our own integrity (which won’t be aggressive or actually harmful) we will start to feel alive again. We’ll feel joy. We will feel a love and connectedness for all living things. We’ll feel purpose. We’ll create beautiful things. Beautiful systems that respect and care for everyone. Attract people who will love us just for who we are. We will begin to take care of each other in a way that’s empowering and sustainable.

There’s a big difference in making people feel good at whatever cost to us, and in being clear and honest and kind. To tell our truth with love. To listen deeply. To show people they matter to us. This builds connection.

This is the act of love.

If you’d like some extra support as you prepare to speak your truth with love, head to www.mariamcneal.com to set up a discovery call or check out my Center Your Heart and Mind Meditation on Insight Timer.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Any thoughts or reflections, answers to the questions below, or questions of your own are welcome.

Thanks for being here :)

Take Such Good Care,

-Maria

Sometimes when we feel overwhelmed, our inner drill sergeants (as my husband calls them) push us to do more. Harder. Faster. Stronger. Maybe we’ll feel some relief if we just complete one. more. task. on our endless to-do lists. But when overwhelm hits, this approach doesn’t work. What actually helps when we’re feeling overwhelmed?

Talk to ourselves in a soothing voice. Put a hand on our heart, take a deep breath, and say things like, this feels hard, but I’ve got you. This too shall pass. You’re going to be okay my love. You can do hard things.

Then, it’s back to the basics. We drink lots of water. Eat good nourishing food. Put a focus on deep sleep. Wear clothes that feel like a warm hug. Read a book we love. Doodle with beautiful colors in a notebook. Just be for a while. As long as time allows. Then maybe we move our bodies in a way that feels good, even joyful - dance, walk in nature, yoga, lift weights if that helps us to feel strong and resilient.

And if the overwhelm hits when we’re at work, in the middle of a meeting, putting our child to bed, or somewhere when we don’t feel like we can make the time for a break, it can help just to gently name it - either out loud or to yourself - “I’m feeling overwhelmed.” Then a few deep breaths, feeling our feet on the floor, or a trip to the restroom for a change of scenery and to move our bodies.

And then we return to what felt overwhelming in the first place. Often, doing something completely different and seemingly unproductive allows our brains to come up with creative solutions we never would have thought of in our state of left-brained anxiety and overwhelm.

We can then ask, “What do I need?” “What can I delegate?” “Where can I ask for help?” “What can I say no to or just let go of for now?” “What’s one small task I can do in the next five minutes?” “What is a small tweak I can make to simplify?”

Or maybe there is no change to make. Maybe we just needed to feel the feeling and let it go. Life can be overwhelming. Sometimes feeling overwhelmed just means we’re human.

And then we can move on in peace. We are meant to live in peace.

If you’d like more support slowing down or reconnecting to your breath when overwhelm hits, check out my Center Your Heart & Mind Meditation on Insight Timer (for free).

I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Any thoughts or reflections, answers to the questions above, or questions of your own are welcome.

Thanks for being here :)

Sending Love. Take such good care,

-Maria

And my heart, such deep grief

The children ripped from their families

The innocent people taken from their homes

The fellow human beings brutally murdered

I think of you

Not as a collective

But as individuals

People

Human beings as well

I refuse to believe that people

Are either good or bad

But I do believe

In justice

In personal integrity

That pain begets pain

So, the ones inflicting the suffering

On their fellow humans

In exchange for what?

Money? Protection?

Heroism?

Please

Stop for one moment to think

Several years into the future

Where will you be?

When the fascist one

Is dead and gone?

What do you think will happen?

Will you be rewarded?

Held up by your fellow Americans?

Freed of your own conscience?

The children you ripped from their families

The innocents you shot and killed

The human afraid to leave their home

Because of your brutality

When you find yourself

Lonely

Afflicted with trauma

Suffering from addiction

To numb the clear images

Faces of the people

You treated with such cruelty

We know how this ends

We’ve been here before

Your body will remember

Will you have appropriate care

For your post-traumatic stress?

For the nightmares you’ll endure?

And on your death bed

Will you be so lucky

To be taken care of

With great gentleness

By a man like Alex Pretti?

What happened to you

To make you so angry?

So threatened by anyone

Different than you?

This isn’t a game

With winners and losers

Because in games

There are rules

Right now,

We’re all losing

But if it was a game

Do you realize

At the end of the day

You’re just another pawn?

With Love,

-Maria McNeal

Read more

We can take note of our energy and make small adjustments here and there as we go. This doesn’t need to be a complete overhaul of our lives. This doesn’t mean we never do laundry anymore or do the dishes or the sometimes thankless and exhausting task of feeding our toddler lunch.

This doesn’t mean we blame our emotions or moods on the people we happen to be around or the places we happen to be at that time. We take responsibility for our lives by creating more self-awareness. Little by little. Not looking at what works for someone else but really dialing into our own energetic being.

This can mean taking ten minutes less time working on that project we don’t feel passionate about and spend that ten minutes reading or dancing or meditating. It might mean lighting a delicious smelling candle and listening to our favorite playlist or podcast while we fold laundry. It might mean letting the kitchen be dirty for a few more hours so we can rest or play or just be.

Making these small shifts in our days can reignite our joy, our creativity, our capacity for connection. We can take the pressure off of ourselves to be serious, productive, or improving all the time. We can let go of our to-do lists, even just for a little bit. These small shifts can also boost our ability to ask for what we want and what we need. We deserve the full human experience. Let’s practice letting ourselves have just that.

If you’d like a little extra support in connecting with and gaining awareness of the energy of your body, check out my free Body Scan Meditation on Insight Timer.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Any thoughts or reflections, answers to the questions below, or questions of your own are welcome.

What do you think taking an inventory of your energy might do for you?

What small shift or shifts come up for you?

What area/s of your life will making those small shifts have an impact on?

Thanks for being here :)

Sending Love. Take such good care,

-Maria

A few weeks ago, I was walking on a beautiful nature trail near my house when I saw a bridge in the distance and it finally dawned on me. Why I’ve always been drawn to them. The reason I have hundreds of pictures of bridges on my phone. The reason they fascinate me, look beautiful to me. Why they feel holy or reverent in a way I have never been able to explain. Among other things, bridges can be a metaphor for making changes in our lives. It can be a big change, or maybe just one small change that will create significant results. As the saying goes, “small hinges swing big doors.”

We start out on one side of the bridge where maybe we feel comfortable and sturdy. It feels familiar. Then we begin to realize that although we’re comfortable, we’re in the known, we are unhappy. Or anxious. Or both. We think about making a change, we plan what that change might look like, we even picture ourselves taking all of the steps to make the change. We feel excited. And a little scared. Then we make the decision. We get that little boost of courage and we take the first step onto the bridge. Maybe this is an uncomfortable conversation or hiring some healing help. Maybe it’s applying for that job or going on that date.

And for a little while, we’re taking the necessary steps. We’re in the messy middle. We’re on the bridge. Without solid ground beneath our feet. It feels a little more unsteady, but it’s exciting. Maybe sometimes, we start crossing a bridge, we take that first step, or first few steps and we get scared. We decide to turn around and go back to the comfortable. This is okay too. This is a normal part of bridge crossing. This is where we give ourselves grace. Maybe we realize we need a little bit of outside support to cross that particular bridge. Maybe we gather a support system and try it again. Sometimes we feel how it feels in our body to be on a bridge, on our way to that particular thing, and we realize that this bridge is not for us. That’s okay too. We turn around. We take some steps back and wait until we find the next bridge we’re ready to cross.

And right before we reach the other side of a bridge, we may feel nervous. We may feel thrilled. We may feel grief. We may feel all kinds of feelings. This doesn’t necessarily mean we should stop or go back. We can take deep breaths, lean on our support systems, stay still until the feelings pass through us. Then, sometimes after a long time, we get to the other side. We look back and reflect and feel proud of where we came from and where we are now. We rest. Until we feel the next pull or see the next bridge. Then the whole process begins again.

This Substack will be dedicated to providing little supports to hold us steady (me included) as we cross the bridges in our lives.

Currently I’m on the bridge of sharing my writing more consistently, working toward a certification as a Health and Life Coach, and creating meditations that I’m sharing on Insight Timer.

Be sure to subscribe if you don’t want to miss a post :). And if you’d like some support in soothing the scared parts of you as you cross a bridge in your life, head over to Insight Timer to try out one of my free meditations.

Calm Ease Meditation on Insight Timer

Thanks for being here.

Take such good care,

-Maria

-Richard Scwartz, No Bad Parts

A beautiful quote that I believe applies to all humans, yet how often we do NOT feel or act like this?

Life is full of ups and downs, ins and outs and for whatever reason, we may feel lonely, lost, insecure, unsure of what to do or in which direction to turn

We might follow advice we know in our hearts to be wrong for us

We might make a decision based on what we think others want us to do or what will make them happy

We might avoid the discomfort, engage in self-defeating behaviors, or go back to old patterns we know ultimately don’t make us feel good

But when we get quiet, go back to the basics, feel our feelings, and choose acceptance over control, we can reconnect with our best, most loving selves

Can you take a moment today to get yourself centered? To ask yourself how you are feeling and what you need? To think about who you can go to if you need help? You deserve it.

Sending love to all.

-Maria

I remember one Friday very vividly. As I prepared for the day, I felt guilty, recalling various points throughout the week. How I scolded one student for laughing at something funny (because it was testing time). How I reprimanded another for asking her classmate a question (because it was testing time). How I chided yet another for not being able to "hold it" for another ten minutes (during testing time). All of this while I assessed and evaluated their classmate, whoever the unlucky lab rat had been, and insisted on silence from the rest of them, so as not to distract the current participant from obtaining the best possible result. I was beating the spirit of childhood out of them one test at a time.

My guilt turned into a protective anger. Why do we, as an American society, insist on the incessant assessment of our children and young people? Why do we have this subconscious idea of the “ideal” child or “ideal” student that all other kids are compared to and pushed to be or to aspire to be? Why do we, so early on in their lives, put each child who is not completely compliant behaviorally, not reading “on grade level” or not “proficient” in math or science or whatever the subject, into a box and tell them, in many different ways, of their perceived shortcomings?

The fact is, that these measuring sticks are all made up. And in my several years of teaching, this was not the kind of teacher I had ever been or ever wanted to be. I knew deep in my gut that by following these lesson plans, I was not giving my students what they needed. I looked at what I "should" have done that day. According to the district timeline, we were behind in pretty much every subject. If I didn't prepare them for the next unit assessments by teaching them exactly what would be on it, many of them would likely “fail.” Again. We didn't have the time to explore and discuss and discover. My next thought was very profound: Yeah…fuck that.

Although the temptation was there to throw out all sense of order and just "have fun," because they were seven years old for goodness’ sake, I knew that many of my students thrived within the structure I had built for the school day. Fridays brought anxiety for many, and as much as they needed laughter and connection, they needed predictability and calm. I also knew that some, especially those with a significant trauma history, needed advanced warning if the schedule was going to change. I had an idea. I wrote on the "Friday" section of our weekly wall calendar: "2:15 p.m. - Create Something Beautiful." For the rest of the day, I would improvise.

After breakfast and working through a fight from the bus, we gathered for community circle. I asked how they were feeling after the week of testing. I validated their feelings of dread, boredom, anxiety, etc. and apologized for the time it took to complete. We said "Good Morning" to each other in funny voices. We took turns sharing how we felt, made connections, and shared intentions for the day. We stood in a circle and played a beanie baby toss game, practicing each other’s names and making eye contact before each throw. We gave each other high fives and fist bumps and hugs for beating our previous record.

For the rest of the morning and early afternoon, we did learning activities that felt right for their current developmental levels. Activities that felt challenging and thought-provoking but kept overall stress levels manageable and met each students’ needs. We worked through issues between classmates in the “Peace Place” and answered questions and frustrations as they came up. We did a science experiment I had been putting off because we "didn't have the time." We read a book together, making connections to and exploring the feelings of the characters. Then at 2:15pm, I asked my students to clear off their desks and be ready to listen for directions. They watched as I got out markers, crayons, paints, stickers, various sizes and colors of paper, Legos, and anything else I could find from high closet shelves and drawers and displayed them on what had been used all week as the "testing" table. I told them that the only directions for the next hour were to:

1. Create something beautiful and awesome.

2. Have fun.

They could choose to move around the room, and to create by themselves or with a partner, as long as they were careful not to disturb each other's creative space. We talked about how everyone is different, so everyone’s version of beautiful will look different and it’s important to be mindful and respectful of that fact. I put on quiet music and called them three at a time to gather materials, find a spot, and get started.

For the next hour, some constructed towns and invented characters using Legos. One student created a large bird's nest out of construction paper, because he remembered the egg he saw lying on the ground as he walked to the bus stop that morning. Some wrote and illustrated stories on over-sized pieces of paper. One student made a card for each of her classmates, taking the time to go around and look at name tags, making sure to spell each name correctly. My card said, "VIP Miss Koppen (my maiden name), thanks for being the best teacher ever. I love you."

When students finished, they took turns sharing and admiring each other's creations. As I gazed around the room, I noticed them listening to each other with a reverence I had never seen before. I didn't have to remind them to be respectful. The energy felt different.

We wrapped up the day by sharing weekend plans and sending well wishes to each other until Monday.

That day encapsulated what it felt like to teach from the heart. To teach the children in front of me. It was a day that felt real and true and right. Without realizing it, I had followed my own directions. That day, to me, was beautiful and awesome.

What beautiful and awesome thing might you create today?

Sending love to all.

“What??” She responds, not sure she heard me right.

“Poop!” I repeat. “There’s a literal pile of shit on the floor in my classroom!”

We both crack up briefly but pull it together, aiming to look professional as her first conference attendee turns the corner and heads our way. I hurry back to my room, doggy-bag the turd (thank goodness it’s solid), and discard it in the hallway trash can. I’m still half-laughing to myself, half-panicking through my first conference, paranoid that my Scentsy plug-in isn’t masking the lingering poop smell.

It was fall parent-teacher conferences and I was teaching 1st grade for the first time. The first night of a three-day marathon, where we taught all day and then stayed after school meeting with parents.

I had four years of experience (teaching third grade) and was still actively learning how to switch gears to the younger kids. First grade…think: helping kids learn to tie shoes, zip-up coats, basic reading skills, basic math, play kickball, tell me when they’re about to have diarrhea, be little humans that can tell other humans how they feel and what they need.

Summer school with first graders had been a big learning curve, and it was there I met a few of the children who would be in my class that fall. I barely took a rest, jumping straight into what would be expected of me in the upcoming school year and knowing that working in an under-resourced area meant I wouldn’t have a ton of help. In those few weeks between summer school and the school year, I read parenting books, books about childhood trauma, anything I could get my hands on that might better equip me to support my students.

School began, and in my class were four children classified as having “extreme behaviors.” Hitting, kicking, spitting, cussing, yelling, throwing things, or making a run for it every time they had a chance were pretty regular behaviors (these were my favorite kids btw, but that’s a story for another time). Despite what often felt like everyday madness, by October, I had built a strong classroom community and a structure within the chaos. I had the sense that my students felt safe with me and seen by me.

I was 25 years old and had not yet figured out how to set work boundaries (or any boundaries for that matter). Work and my students, the needs of my school community, and the needs of family and friends came before my own needs every time. Because of my conditioning, receiving external validation felt like what mattered most, whether that was from my students, their parents, my colleagues, family or friends.

So, I definitely worried (a lot) if I was doing enough for my students academically, socially, emotionally and was also concerned about what they were going home and telling their parents.

Back to conference night - I was ready to make a good impression and make some strong connections with the parents and guardians who came that evening. My students and I spent the last 45 minutes of the day cleaning our classroom. Those six and seven-year-olds squealed with delight as they dumped the entire contents of their desks out onto the floor - month old Cheetos, curdled milk and all - and used Clorox wipes to clean every surface before reorganizing it all.

We organized our classroom library, plugged in a smell good Scentsy contraption I was gifted, and picked up all the trash and clutter that accumulated in one day. We even vacuumed! And then as my students watched The Magic School Bus, backpacks on, waiting for the buses to arrive, I got each student’s conference folder ready and in chronological order at my back table, placed mints in a basket, and hung a welcome poster at the door, ready to greet our visitors.

In some miraculous act of the universe, all of my students made it to their buses and to the gym for car riders with no fights, no breakdowns, no issues, and I headed back to my classroom feeling confident! Everything was ready and I had time to use the restroom before my first conference that was starting in about…seven minutes.

I walked into my room a few minutes later and my eyes instantly dropped to the floor next to the back table, right next to one of the chairs set out for parents to sit in. I brought my body down to a plank, in front of a brown blob to smell - you know, do the “poop or chocolate” test - and immediately started laughing as I muttered something like, “What the actual fuck?”

Before we move on, I just want to take a minute to appreciate the fact that this kid, whomever shat on my floor, was watching Magic School Bus and what? Really didn’t want to miss what was happening? So, pooped in their pants and then like - shook it out of their pant leg onto the floor? That’s my theory anyway. Kind of impressive.

Okay back to the point.

I’m kind of convinced that the poop on the floor was the universe’s way of saying something like, “Maria, you can’t control what other people think of you or what you’re doing, so stop trying so hard. You don’t have to be perfect. You’re doing great.” I had been so stressed, working myself to the bone, this physically manifesting into insomnia and about eight canker sores inside my mouth that made it painful to speak without a significant amount of Orajel to numb the pain. I didn’t think anything of these SOS signs my body was sending. It seemed like everyone around me was stretched just as thin as I was, if not more so.

Looking back on this incident, it definitely made me relax (just a little) and not take myself so seriously through those conferences. Although I believe it’s okay to put forth effort to make a good impression, I hadn’t realized how much I was subconsciously trying to be above criticism, to be perfect, to be what each of my students needed, and to control how I was seen as a teacher by everyone around me. This is largely what teachers are expected to do. It was exhausting.

*A little side note before moving on to the broader idea: This story highlights a huge issue in education that I won’t fully elaborate on here. I just want to acknowledge a huge breakdown in our wider systems that can do so much better in supporting communities, families, students, and school staff. A breakdown that often places responsibility (and blame) directly on the shoulders of teachers and school staff.

When it comes to control, one of the many lessons I’ve learned and will probably continue learning for many years to come, is that no matter how hard we try, we can’t control other people’s perceptions of us. We can try to, but if we do, we will be living outside our personal integrity. We’ll be trying to do what we think other people want us to do instead of what we know in our heart is right for us.

This may feel good at first, because many of us have been conditioned to search out external validation, and to put other peoples’ needs and emotions ahead of our own. But eventually, this way of living leaves us exhausted and depleted. Maybe resentful and judgy. Maybe it eventually even manifests as physical and/or mental illness.

It’s never our job to make people like us or agree with our life choices or how we’re doing (or not doing) something. It’s our job to develop a practice to connect with ourselves so deeply - like meditation, mindful walks, yoga, prayer, etc. - that our everyday actions and responses are based in our own truth, not based on what someone else tells us is important. To let go of the guilt and live our life.

We are only in control of our actions, and how we feel about what we’re doing is what matters most. I love the quote, “How your life feels is more important than how it looks.” And if we find ourselves overfocusing on what other people are doing or not doing, that’s our cue to say, “hold up” and get back into our own lane.

Speaking of control, this mailer, shoutout to JOCO Mental Health, has been hanging on my fridge for about three years now, and is a nice visual and concise reminder about what is in our control and what is not. I am sharing it here as a resource for anyone who wants to delve deeper into this idea. If you do an internet search for “Circle of Control” many different versions of this will pop up.

Circle of Control, by Johnson County Mental Health

Lastly, here are some reflection questions. Take them, leave them, or come up with your own that feel more true for you.

1. What do you struggle to let go of in your life? Some examples include how others behave, trying to predict or control the future, what other people think about you, other people’s beliefs.

2. Where are you taking on responsibility that can be delegated or shared or just released? Can you ask for help in this situation?

3. Does a need for control affect you and your well-being? How? What could you be doing instead with the precious time you spend trying to control the feelings or outcomes of others?

4. What might you be avoiding by trying to meet the needs of everyone else around you before your own?

I’d love to hear your answer to any of those questions or your favorite ways to remain “on your side of the street” or “in your own lane” when it comes to things that are and are not in your control.

Thanks for reading. Sending love to all.

-Maria

Happy first birthday (a few weeks ago, it’s been a busy summer) to my children’s book, “Always Enough.” For me, publishing those words along with the beautiful illustrations by Penny Weber, was like putting a little piece of my heart out into the world. Reading it to my own daughter, hearing about friends and family reading it to their children, gifting it to their friends, and sometimes adults even reading it to themselves has brought me immense joy and gratitude.

Below is a post I shared on social media several months ago. Enjoy :)

An unexpected and really beautiful thing that has come from publishing my children’s book is hearing about adults gifting it to their adult children, AND adults telling me about reading it to themselves sometimes

But it makes sense - part of the dedication of Always Enough says, “To the child within us all, may we always remember our worth.”

We all have our 2-year-old selves, our 8-year-old selves, our 14-year-old selves inside of us, and some of the wounds created by our culture, family systems, certain religious ideas, etc. tell us that we are something to be fixed. That our worth is not inherent and we have to earn it. That we’re only as good as what we do, how we look, how much money we make, how many people we help, etc.

If we don’t address them, we can carry these wounds well into adulthood, skewing our view of ourselves, how we see the world and the people around us. As Brene’ Brown says, we start, “hustling for our worthiness” instead of making choices from a place of grounded clarity and confidence (easier said than done, I know).

Anyway, just wanted to share that the thought of adults gifting “Always Enough” to their adult children and adults reading to themselves makes me very weepy - and if you’re an adult, you can read it to yourself too.

You are enough. Sending love.

*Photo credit to my sweet aunt and cousin for this impromptu book signing/photo shoot during our family Christmas party

*Find “Always Enough” here:

Amazon

Thriftbooks

These loud and aggressive sentences disrupted my thoughts, consumed with planning and preparations for my daughter’s third birthday the following day. I was on a rare, lone trip to Costco, unloading my items onto the conveyor belt when I was suddenly very alert to this harassment of a Hispanic employee on the next lane over. She’d been having a friendly conversation in Spanish with a customer going through her checkout line when the employee responsible for loading my groceries back into my cart began speaking to her as he walked back and forth in the checkout area. The checkout clerk, another white, middle aged man, laughed maliciously as he swiped my items.

As I registered my shock and looked around to see if anyone else was hearing this, he continued, “How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t talk like that up here!” As I got my card out of my wallet, my hands began to shake, his smug smile filling me with anger and disgust.

I noticed one other woman nearby glaring at the man between wrangling her three rowdy children, but most people looked checked out, on their phones, in their own world, business as usual.

“Go back down there if you’re going to talk like that!” he finished with the same snide smile, obviously happy with himself.

The woman held her head high and kept on keepin on like nothing was bothering her. Being someone who is highly attuned to others’ emotions, with one look at her I noticed the slight change in her body language, even for just a moment.

As I paid for my groceries I could barely speak. Her fear and grief fueled my own shock and anger. I hate to admit it, but at this moment, the scene at the police station from the movie, The Hangover, flashed through my mind. The one where the police officers (Rob Riggle and Cleo King) are berating Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms for their drunken behavior and ending with the line, “NOT UP IN HERE!”

After I paid for my groceries, I left my cart outside the bathroom and went straight into a stall, taking deep, slow, steady breaths to calm myself.

I walked out of the bathroom and asked to speak to a manager at the customer service desk. As a recovering conflict-avoider, my hands and voice were shaking as I relayed what I had witnessed to one, and then when prompted, a second and a third manager. I was told that they had been having similar situations since the current president’s election and was reassured that they would definitely be taking care of it.

At this point, I grabbed my cart and began pushing it towards the door, but there was a little tug in my heart telling me that I wasn’t done. I annoyed about fifteen people as I wheeled my huge, full cart in a U-turn and parked it in front of the lane where the men were continuing to bully their fellow employee.

I took the deepest breath I could muster, heart thumping in my chest and not really having a clue what was about to come out of my mouth. I went straight up behind the man doing the harassing and said, “Excuse me.”

He whirled around and took a step back after seeing my face. I didn’t give him a chance to respond before I said, “I just want you to know that the way you were talking to her (gesturing toward the woman) and the things you were saying were absolutely disgusting and not okay.”

He registered a moment of panic, but then regained control.

“Huh? What?”

“You know what I’m talking about,” I pushed. “Putting her down for speaking Spanish and where she’s from. It’s disgusting and not okay.”

I turned to the woman. “Hi” motioning to the men, “The things they’re saying to you and the way they’re talking to you are NOT okay. It’s horrible.” She flashed the slightest smile and silently mouthed, “Thank you.”

As I turned back toward the men, one of them said, “What? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” At this point the two men were shrugging to several other people around, now paying very close attention, one of them putting fingers in circles by his ears to motion that I was crazy.

I took another deep breath, but lost some of my control as I said, “That is how people like you work, isn’t it? You lie and manipulate because you’re too big of cowards to actually admit the ugliness you have inside of you and how that might affect other people.”

I was close to tears and had nothing left to say, so I didn’t wait to hear a response. I turned around and walked out of the store. As soon as I got all of my groceries into my car - my frozen blueberries were definitely no longer frozen - I got in and cried for about five minutes before driving home.

I share this, not for a pat on the back for standing up to racism, but to maybe encourage or empower someone else to do one small thing we wish we could do for everyone suffering or being treated inhumanely in the world right now. To reflect on the fact that we can treat all human beings that we interact with on a daily basis with dignity and respect. To pay attention to the trickle-down effects of having leaders who encourage this kind of behavior.

To ground ourselves every day in our truth and then keep our eyes and ears open. To be aware of opportunities for these small, seemingly insignificant interactions in our own little corners of the world. Maybe we pay more attention to what’s happening in our own communities. Maybe we learn some history. Maybe we reach out to someone we know may be affected. Maybe we read books to our kids with diverse characters.

In her book, Atlas of the Heart, Brene’ Brown defines regret as a powerful emotional reminder that prompts reflection, change, and growth. She sees it as a function of empathy and a call to courage, rather than something to be dismissed. I am far from perfect, and I do regret calling these men cowards and not keeping my cool as much as I could have, I knew in my heart of hearts that I’d always regret not saying something in this particular situation.

To all who are hurting, scared, or who need some extra love today - sending it to you from my little corner of the world. May we be courageous and kind.